Monday, January 4, 2016

I know all about waiting.

Their secret country was real. They had already visited it twice; not in a game or a dream but in reality. C. S. Lewis, Voyage of the Dawn Treader

I sought the LORD, and He answered me and delivered me out of all my terror. Psalm 34:4

Who me? Yeah, you.

I sort of breezed over this verse the first time. But it is the Refrain for the morning lessons, so I paused through it again and again. And it hit me: Yes, I am terrified facing this new year. While on many hands I could count and recount ever-so-much blessing, there is that trembling hand lifted up as well, yes, the one I see in the back corner.

Yes? And the step out the front door is a hard one. The last year was chock-full of humbling and painful and unresolved mysteries. And I am still sorting through the questions of What did I learn? and Why? and How? and Where am I headed?

And I get that really they are exactly the same questions that each of us, in taking no thought for tomorrow because today has enough problems face, but nevertheless, they are indeed my questions.

And my co-teacher is home nursing a chewed-up-by-two-pit-bulls dog, so I will be teaching straight through this first ten hours of a day in the new semester, and I have big new procedural plans of becoming A Teacher Who Will Not Be Manipulated, and my principal’s response was tepid. She doesn’t think I can pull it off.

I don’t even know what I am going to make for dinner tonight.

But yesterday was my day to watch Star Wars. We all marched over to El Con and ate Panda Express mushroom chicken and slid ourselves into those big cushy chairs and watched my generation’s narrative archetypes. And that Rae is just going about her daily business. And the moment-by-moment isn’t that big deal, and actually is pretty dusty and disappointing a lot. And there is some background pain that we have only had the tiniest glimpse about, but we can make some pretty good guesses. I mean, her very name denotes her calling. But the point is, that every day she grows stronger and wiser and more full of grace, preparing for what Unknown lay ahead.

And the Force is with her.

And as I step out the door, I push my soundtrack of courage into the cd player in the little black Rabbit, a Christmas gift from Cameron, Fortunate Fall by Audry Assad.

I know, I know, and I believe You are the Lord
I know, I know, and I believe You are the Lord
Help my unbelief.

I sought the LORD, and He answered me and delivered me out of all my terror.