Thick black smoke now pours out of my sort of brand-new pencil sharpener.

O God, be not far from me; come quickly to help me, O my God. Psalm 71:12

Fourth Conversation: He told me, that one hearty renunciation of everything which we are sensible does not lead to GOD; rather that we might accustom ourselves to a continual conversation with Him, with freedom and in simplicity. That we need only to recognize GOD intimately present with us, to address ourselves to Him every moment, that we may beg His assistance for knowing His will in things doubtful, and for rightly performing those which we plainly see He requires of us, offering them to Him before we do them, and giving Him thanks when we have done.

That we ought not to be weary of doing little things for the love of GOD, who regards not the greatness of the work, but the love with which it is performed. That we should not wonder if, in the beginning, we often failed in our endeavors, but that at last we should gain a habit, which will naturally produce its acts in us, without our care, and to our exceeding great delight. Practicing the Presence of God

Ah, developing habits. I dug up yet another old lesson plan, the one about developing a healthy habit in twenty-one days, and am walking the kiddos through the scientific method: Is this true?  And there is no sense of delusional grandeur. On yesterday’s baseline data study, most of the checkmarks fell solidly into the Very Low or Low category.

But this project brings back so many fond memories, so many beloved bright-eyed souls, walking through growth and not-so-much growth with transparency and wonder. So we will see where it leads.

Factoid: My students just went through five more subs when I took off for the cracked rib thing. Not a single one of these hardy adult-types decided a second day with this yowling cat liveliness was worth double pay. So every dawn Subfinder had to wheedle in a new unsuspecting instructor for my stacks of theoretically clever but quite unused lesson plans.

Alas.

I too when stripped of my delusional grandeur, have so much room for growth.

May I, by seeking His assistance when in doubt and acting when His way is clear, do the little things for the love of God without a care, but to my exceeding great delight. 

In freedom and simplicity.

Today. And tomorrow. And maybe even for twenty-one days.

for the LORD has spoken.

Call to Worship On this mountain the Lord of hosts will make for all peoples a feast of rich food, a feast of well-aged wine, of rich food full of marrow, of aged wine well refined. And He will swallow up on this mountain the covering that is cast over all peoples, the veil that is spread over all nations. He will swallow up death forever; and the Lord God will wipe away tears from all faces, and the reproach of His people He will take away from all the earth, for the LORD has spoken. It will be said on that day, “Behold, this is our God; we have waited for Him, that He might save us. This is the Lord; we have waited for Him; let us be glad and rejoice in His salvation.” Isaiah 25:6-9

Confession, O Lord. Lead us always to a deeper experience of your love. Enliven us by the familiar but always new story of shame and triumph, suffering and hope that this week reveals. Mold us to the ways of the Servant whose life we honor. In the name of Christ, our Lord, Amen.

Contemplation Truly, truly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit. John 12:24 

We see this every year, all around us as the season of autumn approaches. The leaves change and the flowers fade as the cold grip of death takes hold of them yet again. Old things are dying to bring about new life. It is a strange cycle of mourning and rejoicing that makes up our days

We put to death our self-centeredness and we are raised to life in Jesus. We deny ourselves, take up our cross, and follow him. Death brings life.

Death could seem a looming and scary thing. But the love of God toward us in Christ compels us not to be afraid of death and what it will cost us. God held nothing back, but rather, gave up his own Son for us. Surely he will also return to us life abundantly. And that abundant life is this: gaining Jesus, being with and following him. The process of dying to ourselves and our own agenda and stuff helps us to locate our treasure (life, joy, purpose) in Jesus. Lent reminds us that true life is found in Jesus.

When the seed of God – Jesus – fell into the ground and died, he became not just our Creator but our Redeemer and our Seed of Life. As we die to ourselves we get more of Him and in turn more of who we are created to be. When you truly grasp the death of Jesus, when the truth and beauty of all that Jesus gave up for you sinks into your life, you will joyfully give up all you have and are to follow Him.

When I survey the wondrous cross

On which the Prince of glory died

My richest gain I count but loss

And pour contempt on all my pride.

Were the whole realm of nature mine

That were a present far too small;

Love so amazing, so divine

Demands my soul, my life, my all.

So reflecting on this verse about dying and remaining alone and bearing much fruit, I absolutely get that deep breathe of standing on the edge before whispering, Not my will but your will be done.

And that little seed, just like an equally clueless little caterpillar, has no idea of the as-yet unmanifest beauty and delight that is in the mind of the loving Creator. And neither do I. But I am willing, dear LORD God.

Not just willing, but with great joy.

Take me, I’m yours.

This is the Lord; we have waited for Him; let us be glad and rejoice in His salvation.

 Closing Prayer You are holy, O God of majesty, and blessed is Jesus Christ, your Son, our Lord. As one of us, He knew our joys and sorrows and our struggles with temptation. He was like us in every way except sin. In Him we see what you created us to be. Though blameless, He suffered willingly for our sin. Though innocent, He accepted death for the guilty. On the cross he offered Himself, a perfect sacrifice, for the life of the world. By His suffering and death, He freed us from sin and death. Risen from the grave, He leads us to the joy of new life. Through Christ, all glory and honor are Yours, almighty Father, with the Holy Spirit in the holy church, now and forever. Amen.

I welcome you into my home

But as for the well-to-do man who sees his brothers in want but shuts his eyes—and his heart—how could anyone believe that the love of God lives in him? My children, let us not love merely in theory or in words—let us love in sincerity and in practice!  1 John 3:17-18

Panchita had a rough day yesterday.  She has lots of rough days and lots of the time she pulls it off and laughs and tells Alan that he is sexy and gets down on her hands and knees and scrubs the calcified buildup on the shower.  

But all week long she has had to take care of a crabby husband who is very whiny and bossy and was in the hospital for five days and has a huge open sore on his backside and she has to do his vegetable deliveries on top of all of her other work and Judy massaged her for  two hours the other night because she has so much stress and she doesn’t know what to do and she is trying to cover for all of his bad business deals and then he did get robbed a month ago and that set him back a pretty penny and then Judy had borrowed Jack and Mary Anne’s vacuum and even though she has told Judy to be careful and only use it on the carpets and cat hair but Judy doesn’t know anything about sweeping and she vacuumed up a thread spool of Nicole’s and even though she changed and emptied all of the filters she still can’t get it to work and she doesn’t know how to get it to a shop to fix and maybe you or Alan could fix it because I don’t know anything about mechanics and why don’t you buy a vacuum like theirs and then I wouldn’t have to borrow it and Mary Anne always tells me to be careful and I am careful but that Judy never listens to me.  And Panchita lost it and cursed her daughter and cursed the messy Voelkel family and cursed the life she’s leading and cursed her poverty.  

And Max, who has spent a lot of his time serving, yes serving, long hours and mind-wracking creativity and trying one-more-thing really probably the very most in want people in America who have all pretty much done horrible things and said horrible things and think horrible things all day long, says, “Don’t take it personally.”

Judy doesn’t take it personally.  Judy with the crippled hand who smiles big if you ask her to give you a little backrub I think because it makes people so very happy and maybe because it is a kind human touch that she can experience and of course, it’s much better than sweeping that she really doesn’t know how to do very well.  Judy says that’s the way all of Panchita’s family talks when they get stressed and she consoled me not to take it personally.  This is the way life is, sometimes it’s good and mostly it’s hard but that’s OK.  

And I am well-to-do even though the little game I play at Fry’s is to get my percentage savings up to at least 40% and I win If it crosses 45% but it will never hit 50% because I buy bunches of bananas and they are never on sale so that messes things up.  I am well-to-do in another way.  I learned a lot from my daddy about how to bend your knees when you take corners on water skis and what a Stella Jay looks like and how to tell the difference between Ponderosa and Bristlecone pine trees, but I never learned big long lines of ugly curse words to use when things get hard.  And even though my daddy had a hand-crafted paddle that he used when I didn’t tell the truth, he never whacked me upside the head. And my husband doesn’t lay in bed all day and scream at me.  And I don’t juggle hospital and medicine bills and dread it when the phone rings because it’s almost always bad news and one more thing I have to do before I can fall into bed. 

And sure enough so what if you love the people easy to love but may I never shut my eyes or shut my heart.  Day after day, the same way that Panchita loves in all sincerity and practice, on her knees with a funny little smile on her lips and a long story just waiting to be heard.