Though it linger.

I will take my stand at my watchpost
    and station myself on the tower,
and look out to see what He will say to me,
    and what I will answer concerning my complaint.

For the revelation awaits an appointed time;

    it speaks of the end and will not prove false.

 Though it linger, wait for it; 

    it will certainly come and will not delay. Habakkuk 2:1-3

Dear Father in heaven, in quietness we come to You and ask you for Your Spirit. We ask this especially for the time of waiting still required of us as we hope and strive for light to come, for light to shine where there is so much darkness. We must not despair of our inner life even when life around us rages as if it would suck us down into its whirlpool with no way out. But You will guard us. Watch over us so that we have hope and joy in You. Amen. - Christoph Friedrich Blumhardt

Consider the seagulls sailing overhead, for they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns.

Hagia Sophia, holy wisdom

Every achievement rots away and perishes, and with it goes its author. Happy the man who meditates on wisdom, and reasons with good sense, who studies her ways in his heart, and ponders her secrets. He pursues her like a hunter, and lies in wait by her path; he peeps in at her windows, and listens at her doors; he lodges close to her house, and fixes his peg in her walls; he pitches his tent at her side, and lodges in an excellent lodging; he set his children in her shade, and camps beneath her branches; he is sheltered by her from the heat, and in her glory he makes his home. Whoever fears the Lord will act like this, and whoever grasps the Law will obtain wisdom. She will come to meet him like a mother, and receive him like a virgin bride. She will give him the bread of understanding to eat, and the water of wisdom to drink. He will lean on her and will not fall, he will rely on her and be not put to shame. He will find happiness and a crown of joy; he will inherit an everlasting name. Fools will not gain possession of her, nor will sinners set eyes on her. She stands remote from pride, and liars cannot call her to mind. Praise is unseemly in a sinner’s mouth, since it has not been put there by the Lord. For praise should only be uttered in wisdom, and the Lord himself then prompts it. Ecclesiastics 14:20–15:10

Knowing its full worth and purpose, we can no longer fear adversity, we have found prosperity where there was poverty, peace and joy have sprung out of the very midst of chaos. –Bill Wilson

The thing about ancient cities is that they force the question of time and purpose. In a way unlike mountain streams crashing through verdant forests do not. 

I dragged poor Mary Anne up more stairs that one can imagine yesterday. Stairs that were beautifully crafted hundreds, even thousands of years ago.

And I reflect on the nature of stuff. Of achievements. Of vast civilizations.  Of sweeping skyscrapers with pulsing light murals scratching a pale blue sky. Or the small child curled up against the wall, with a small crumpled cup holding a few coins. Or the golden ochre and ruby red spices and teas heaped high. The Spice Route. The Silk Road. And the Bosphorus down below rippling a line of division and unity at the same glittering moment. For three thousand years.

Or the long pilgrimage in the same direction of a single mere soul.

What has happened in my life of everlastingness in the two years since I last stood on this spot and considered? Since I turned the shot of me in the Blue Mosque into my background page and I look at it again and again every day and sometimes I wonder.

 Clicking through my journal from two years ago, so many moments and so miles ago I asked same question about pursuing wisdom. Still. Yet. Again.

Again and again. And I am afraid that I sometimes echo old world-weary Pontius Pilate, “What is truth?” Five times a day a plaintive cry calls out to remind us to pursue her.

But where is she to be found?

Bill Wilson answers that it is through suffering that we find enough humility to enter the portals of that New World. How privileged we are to understand so well the divine paradox that strength rises from weakness, that humiliation goes before resurrection; that pain is not only the price but the very touchstone of spiritual rebirth.

May I not grow weary. May I shake this hopelessness, and grasp the Law and obtain wisdom. And wear the crown of joy.

Little Nutbrown Hare held on tight to Big Nutbrown Hare's very big ears.

Come now and see the works of God, how wonderful He is in His doing toward all people. Psalm 66:4

O LORD, what are we that you should care for us? mere mortals that you should think of us? We are like a puff of wind; our days are like a passing shadow. Bow your heavens, O LORD, and come down. Psalm 144 3-4

Forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors.

Love isn't a state of perfect caring. It is an active noun like struggle. When we love a person, we accept him or her exactly as is: the lovely with the unlovely, the strong with the fearful, the true mixed in with the façade, and of course, the only way we can do it is by accepting ourselves that way.  Fred Rogers

Easier to let a mind run wild with worry than to exercise discipline, to reign her in, slip the blinders on and train her to walk steady in certain assurance, not spooked by the specters looming ahead.

And yet He does care for us. He who did not spare His own Son, but gave Him up for us all. All gratitude is ultimately gratitude for Christ, all remembering a remembrance of Him. For in Him all things were created, are sustained, have their being. The crux of Christianity: to remember and give thanks–eucharisteo.

In time years, dust settles.

In memory, ages, God emerges.

Then when we look back, we see God’s back.

Is that it? When it gets dark, it’s only because God has tucked me in a cleft of the rock and covered me, protected, with His hand? In the pitch, I feel like I’m falling, sense the bridge giving way, God long absent. It is in the dark that God is passing by. God is in the tremors. Dark is the holiest ground the glory passing by. In the blackest, God is the closest, at work, forging His perfect and right will. Though it is black and we can’t see, and we feel utterly alone, Christ is most present to us. I-beam supporting in the earthquake. Then He will remove His hand. Then we will look back.

Jesus call me to surrender and there’s nothing like releasing fears and falling into peace. It terrifies, true. But it exhilarates. There is no joy without trust. –Ann Voskamp

So Brandon stopped by yesterday afternoon on the way home from Ryan’s Airfield where he did his solo-piloting airplane thing. And I must admit, as he describes the weird wind currents and the sudden drops just before he lands and having to throttle up and leap towards the sky to avoid crashing into the earth I can’t quite picture choosing this form of exhilaration.

Especially after watching The Martian with the extended family the night before. Yet these are the dreams and hopes of his bright blue eyes, soaring through the stars with no murky atmosphere clouding his vision.

There is no joy without trust.

And tightly clinging to control and fear and resentment sure as heck does not bring joy.

But living free does.

Crossing each day’s bridges in perfect trust because He has proven Himself Stop-at-Nothing-Trustworthy. Arms outstretched.

And even realizing that The Martian was a fictional character, his courage and steady walk is based on the truth of our heroes, those who kept the faith even in the darkness, quietly, steadily planting potatoes in poop. And whether our heroes are Daniel in the lions’ den and imprisoned Joseph and Hannah waiting for a child or Martin Luther King Jr. in Birmingham writing about forgiveness and Mother Teresa kneeling down in the Calcutta gutters or that guy rolling his wheelchair down the sidewalk with a plastic Safeway grocery bag looped around the handle and the single mom who makes sure her kids set out their schoolwork by the apartment front door before going to bed, each and every hero holds steady in the darkness, trusting that In the blackest, God is the closest, at work, forging His perfect and right will.

And one more thing from The Martian. When I pulled myself out of the pool this morning and looked up, there was a big soft white round moon looking down at me. Exactly like the moon on the last page of the pop-up edition of Guess How Much I Love You that I read to Everette that night, in her tiny secret room. And Big Nutbrown Hare lay down close by and whispered with a smile, “I love you right up to the moon – and back.” The other thing about the movie is that there were no bad guys, no antagonists at all. Everyone was just muddling about as best they could, puffs of wind, passing shadows from the big perspective, the For God So Loved the World perspective. He who did not spare His own Son, but gave Him up for us all. A reminder of Who am I to judge my Father’s child? He knows each of our unloveliness and fearfulness and what lies behind the door, behind the facade. It is His love that saves us, not we ourselves.

Awe…awe ignites joy because it makes us bend the knee and we are in deepest happiness in the posture of grateful worship. Because the God-likeness with our smallness speaks to Father-God to His magnificence. –Ann Voskamp

Our Father who art in heaven, hallowed be Thy name.

Sing to Him a new song; play skillfully, and shout for joy.

Let the peoples praise you, O God; let all the peoples praise you. Let the nations be glad and sing for joy, for you judge the peoples with equity and guide all the nations upon earth. Let the peoples praise you, O God; let all the peoples praise you. Psalm 67:3–5

Let the sea make a noise and all that is in it, the lands and those who dwell therein. Let the rivers clap their hands, and let the hills ring out with joy before the LORD, when He comes to judge the earth. In righteousness shall He judge the world and the peoples with equity. Psalm 98

I have a very tender sort of weepy inwardly and sometimes outwardly sort of heart. I ache. Which feels incongruous with the Rejoice I say again Rejoice mandate under which I live.

For instance, it feels like a punch in the stomach whenever I hear God Bless America. Because somehow I instinctively take it to mean…over and above all of those other peoples out there.  And I weep. At the hardheartedness of those I love.

Actually the most joyous moments of a very full Christmas was Christmas Eve after all of carol-singing and candle-lighting services and it was almost still in front of the fireplace stacked with a huge stash of wood.

Cameron came over with a friend and I gave the hungry men leftovers, and then Wali drove down from Phoenix and he was wiped-out, hadn’t eaten all day hungry too, and I found something for him too, and Nicole and Manuel were here and Charly and Markus had finished their secret preparations and Cameron pulled out his guitar and Alan distributed drums and miscellaneous treasures from the percussion bag that magically convert all into musicians. Well, except for me.

And they sang and played and sang some more through all of everyone’s heart songlists. And sometimes we had to look up the words with google and it was one of those belly-full-to-the-brim moments.

And Ehab is from Palestine, and he is a broken-hearted people from an occupied land. He is kind and gentle and strong. And broken-hearted.

And once again, His word met me this morning as I ached yet again in the early darkness. And the thing about the Rejoice, I say it again rejoice mandate is that it was written from prison. And the very next line is Remember the LORD is coming soon. Soonish. In the big scheme of things.

And let the rivers clap their hands, and let the hills ring out with joy before the LORD. And Judgment Day is not to be feared, because He has already paid the price and broken the power of sin. And Judgment Day is not to be feared because He judges with righteousness. Wrong will be made right. He shall judge the world and the peoples with equity.

Restoration will take place.

 And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be his people, and God himself will be with them as their God. He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.”

And He who was seated on the throne said, “Behold, I am making all things new.” Also he said, “Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.” Revelation 21:3-5

This is the point of all of this, the gold-gilt angels and felt-on-wood Nativity scenes and scented candles and almost-eaten boxes of chocolates. For the joy set before Him, He endured the cross.

Joy to the world.

Let the peoples praise you, O God; let all the peoples praise you.